heartbreak.

damn. i really feel like shit right now. like SHIT. i just don't understand it all. you just gave up on us. my heart beats a million miles a minute every single day. i wonder if it'll get tired cause it's still beating for you. i don't understand why you just left me there. why you didn't have the balls to even say thank you. or anything. just it's over, buh bye. like what the fuck is wrong with you asshole. i'm really trying to move forward now. what sucks is that we were best friends before we even got together. that's shit you can't find. but i guess boys like you are a dime a dozen right? i can't eat anymore. i refuse to eat cause my body feels like complete and utter crap. my diet consists of bread and water. and i don't even like eating bread, i just eat it so i don't get stomach acid. but yeah, i lost so much weight over the last 4 days. my stomach is completely thin. and yeah i want a thin stomach, but not like this. this is super unhealthy. adam forced me to eat two days ago and i hate half a burger and i was full and then i got the runs the next day. fuck this. i feel like throwing up every morning. i can't sleep every night. i wake up in the middle of the night worrying. about you. and it sucks because i don't want to anymore because i know you don't give a rat's ass about me. just think about it. a YEAR. a year and you're just gonna let go like that. so i guess we meant nothing then. for me, i thought our relationship was sooo good. until the end of course, but besides that. we had a healthy and fun relationship. that's what sucks. is that you made it seem like that, and you didn't mean any of it. this just all means nothing now. and you were my FIRST love. and you'll always just be in my head like that. that's what fucking sucks. each day is getting better, but i still worry, shake, get nervous, anxious, feel like crap. and i hate those feelings. but i guess that's part of the healing process right? work is a bitch. i have to pretend i'm happy. i mean i guess that's good cause it's making me smile..but i just want to cry on the inside. there are so many times where i just go into the bathroom and just cry. my co-workers have been the best. maria, will, anthony, and everyone at the restaurant have just been there for me so much. and your family. damn. that's what makes me SUPER sad is that i'm missing out with time with your family. they were the best. i loved them so much. and they totally took care of me. i'm just gonna miss that. they were always behind me in my decisions and always wanted the best for me. that's fuckin love. something you don't have. and never will, for me. it's just sad it had to end like this. i felt that i gave you the most unconditional love ever. like i didn't know i could love a person like that. maybe i gave too much. and you always thought i was getting mad at you, but i just wanted to let you know what upset me so you could make change. i just hate how despite everything, EVERYTHING, i've done for you, and everything you did to me..i still loved you and wanted things to work out and always had hope. but things will never change. nothing lasts forever. watch out for heartbreakers, all they do is take your love and leave.


"...but how we move from A to B it can't be up to me
cause you don't know who i was before you
and basically to see a change in me i'd be losing
so i just ignore you yeah
but you're on my mind."