So I'm here in the Philippines, sleeping when I should be awake. Oh well. I miss sf a lot. I'm missing out on a lot of school. I'm watching hella episodes on sailor moon.
I've done some realizing about myself while I'm here. I can be really mature, but sometimes I feel like a little kid compared to everyone else. But then, I'm not in a hurry to to grow up. What's the point in trying to act like you're hella older right? and turning 21 isn't everything in the world. I like we're I'm at, I just wonder if it's where I'm supposed to be. I realized where i want both of m tattoos. My dad's going to kill me.
My lola's funeral was so sad. Ugh, don't really want to relive it.
I've done some realizing about myself while I'm here. I can be really mature, but sometimes I feel like a little kid compared to everyone else. But then, I'm not in a hurry to to grow up. What's the point in trying to act like you're hella older right? and turning 21 isn't everything in the world. I like we're I'm at, I just wonder if it's where I'm supposed to be. I realized where i want both of m tattoos. My dad's going to kill me.
My lola's funeral was so sad. Ugh, don't really want to relive it.
you STAY wasting my time. ugh. i always wait for you. we haven't seen each other/got to spend that much time with each other recently..and you don't really care to see me. I always have to make the plans. I always have to make the moves. UGH WHATEVER. HELLA ANNOYING.
in other news.
got rear ended today, made my back even worse, having more severe back spasms. GREEEAT.
my grandma's going to go soon :( they took her home from the hospital today. they're going to let the infection take its course. I love you Lola. <33333
why is shit so hard?
in other news.
got rear ended today, made my back even worse, having more severe back spasms. GREEEAT.
my grandma's going to go soon :( they took her home from the hospital today. they're going to let the infection take its course. I love you Lola. <33333
why is shit so hard?
I wish there was innocence and promise within the both of us.
I just wish I could trust you, but as hard as I try to convince myself.. there's just no use. I just choose to try to be oblivious. Hasn't been working :\ Literally tearing up about this. I'm so soft -___-
oh and another one.
I wish my grandma would get better, but her future is inevitable, like the rest of ours. It just sucks, a lot. A lot a lot. I wish I could do something. I wish I could teleport by your bedside. I wish I could. I wish I could be there as long as it takes, to just hold your hand and speak in your ear and tell you I'm there.. but instead I tell you in my mind that I'm there, that you can pull through. Who knows if that even works. I think I'm inching towards believing in Diesm like 100%. You'd hate me for that. I'm sorry, Catholic/Christian reasoning is becoming bullshit. If there is a God.. i really don't know. But why do we pray to God if he already knows our fate? That makes no sense. I've been doing just fine not praying. And Heather's friend was kinda right, Catholicism was put into place to control people, to tame them. Think about what they did to the Native Americans. There's a ton of evidence. Oh no. I'm rambling. I wish you could be there with me in the future. I wish you could be there at my first legitimate performance. I wish you could be yelling for me from the crowd. I wish you made me more adobo and we could make lumpia together like old times. I wish you could give me advice on what to do with this freakin job of mine. I wish Lolo was here with you. I wish Lolo was here with me. I wish Lolo was here with us. I wish life didn't end like this, but I'm young and don't understand the meaning of it all.
So Wish God,
You don't have to grant them, just acknowledge them at least? Acknowledge my existence and needs. Not even my wants, my needs. Please? Am I asking for too much? Probably. I always do. Nevermind.
I just wish I could trust you, but as hard as I try to convince myself.. there's just no use. I just choose to try to be oblivious. Hasn't been working :\ Literally tearing up about this. I'm so soft -___-
oh and another one.
I wish my grandma would get better, but her future is inevitable, like the rest of ours. It just sucks, a lot. A lot a lot. I wish I could do something. I wish I could teleport by your bedside. I wish I could. I wish I could be there as long as it takes, to just hold your hand and speak in your ear and tell you I'm there.. but instead I tell you in my mind that I'm there, that you can pull through. Who knows if that even works. I think I'm inching towards believing in Diesm like 100%. You'd hate me for that. I'm sorry, Catholic/Christian reasoning is becoming bullshit. If there is a God.. i really don't know. But why do we pray to God if he already knows our fate? That makes no sense. I've been doing just fine not praying. And Heather's friend was kinda right, Catholicism was put into place to control people, to tame them. Think about what they did to the Native Americans. There's a ton of evidence. Oh no. I'm rambling. I wish you could be there with me in the future. I wish you could be there at my first legitimate performance. I wish you could be yelling for me from the crowd. I wish you made me more adobo and we could make lumpia together like old times. I wish you could give me advice on what to do with this freakin job of mine. I wish Lolo was here with you. I wish Lolo was here with me. I wish Lolo was here with us. I wish life didn't end like this, but I'm young and don't understand the meaning of it all.
So Wish God,
You don't have to grant them, just acknowledge them at least? Acknowledge my existence and needs. Not even my wants, my needs. Please? Am I asking for too much? Probably. I always do. Nevermind.
Hm. Woke up today feeling kinda crappy. Then got to school and felt better. Oh whaaaaaaat. Yeah it was crazy. But I guess yesterday's sob story about work made me more inclined to do better and gtfo out of here. Still, just watching all my favorite rappers on youtube makes me really motivated. Just to get to New York and succeed. To get that dream career of being on broadway or maybe just being a show choir teacher. Just doing something I love. I'm actually becoming more fond of Nicki Minaj. Weird, I know. But I've just grown to give her mad respect because she's the biggest female rapper doing her thing right now and don't give a fuck if she has these alter egos. I don't like them myself personally. I really hate when she does all those voices, but she's pullin a lady gaga and it's working for her. She's different and she's bossing it up. I really like moment 4 life by her. It's so goood. Why doesn't she rap like that all the time!? Haha enough about nicki. My FAVVV though. J. Cole. God daaaamn. I will cry WHEN I meet him. I'm so determined. The fuckin' future. Rappers are my heroes. + Alicia Keys & Lauryn.
Music WILL be my career. I'm just too passionate about it, I can't make it a hobby. Nuff said. Now back to work.
Music WILL be my career. I'm just too passionate about it, I can't make it a hobby. Nuff said. Now back to work.
SONGS OF THE NIGHT.
Talked to my manager about why I'm not a server. That was just a blow to my heart. It wasn't something terrible. I just knew its because he didn't know anything. None of the managers really know. The reason pretty much goes back to high school and a reoccurring reason. A consistent theme it seems. People just have these low expectations of me, but I have all the medals to show for it. No pun intended. And the whole basketball thing.. like how do you expect me to get better if you're not giving me the opportunity. Game time situations are different from practice. Same thing with work. I know I can do so well.. you're not just letting me show you. You choose to be ignorant and believe in your assumptions and observations. I agree I may not seem who I am at work.. that made no sense, but it did to me.. haha anyway. But yeah, everyone at work is from all over the bay area and beyond. I'm like the only SF native pretty much. It's like being in a new city. Take my perspective. Not like they care.. why do i say that. I just want my piece of the pie like everyone else and I don't kiss ass to do that and I'm damn proud that I do work. Just wishing who ever is control of life.. please make this situation better.
Talked to my manager about why I'm not a server. That was just a blow to my heart. It wasn't something terrible. I just knew its because he didn't know anything. None of the managers really know. The reason pretty much goes back to high school and a reoccurring reason. A consistent theme it seems. People just have these low expectations of me, but I have all the medals to show for it. No pun intended. And the whole basketball thing.. like how do you expect me to get better if you're not giving me the opportunity. Game time situations are different from practice. Same thing with work. I know I can do so well.. you're not just letting me show you. You choose to be ignorant and believe in your assumptions and observations. I agree I may not seem who I am at work.. that made no sense, but it did to me.. haha anyway. But yeah, everyone at work is from all over the bay area and beyond. I'm like the only SF native pretty much. It's like being in a new city. Take my perspective. Not like they care.. why do i say that. I just want my piece of the pie like everyone else and I don't kiss ass to do that and I'm damn proud that I do work. Just wishing who ever is control of life.. please make this situation better.
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