I never thought this day would come, that I actually hate you. It's kinda funny how you were so in love with me and then you let me just evaporate. I know it's not meant to be anymore, and I know that I will miss you at times. Lots of times. But, it doesn't mean this is easy for me. I am grieving and grieving and grieving. The loss of the boy whom I thought was the one. If there is any feeling that I feel right now, it is hurt and blue. That's actually two feelings. Whatever, but I just feel really empty inside. I feel like someone has scathed my soul. I hate feeling like this. It's annoying. I hate trying to get out of bed for work and I just finished crying a river. I hope one day you realize you did me wrong. I really hope so. I hope you realize that you don't treat someone who cares about you like that. Communication is key in any relationship, and respect. Those things diminished as time went on, for reasons which I will never know why. You were so perfect. You literally did everything right. I know nobody is perfect, but when I say perfect, I mean the right fit for me. And then Fall semester hit. You started acting to strange and so cold to me. I didn't know what was going on. You never communicated anything to me. I just wanted you to text me throughout the day, given the distance between us. You made it seem like everything was okay. You made it seem like we were fine, and then out of nowhere, you decide to break my heart..because you wanted to be "selfish and not be responsible for anyone anymore." What the fuck does that even mean? You want to be single? If so, you could have just said that, because the way you worded it, it made it seem like I was a fucking hassle or some annoying girl. Oh and that bullshit ass 5 day "space" type thing you did before you broke it off..really, it takes you five days to tell me 2 sentences? I was hoping you talked more when you broke up with me, because I deserve answers. I lowered my standards for you just so you could be comfortable. I took whatever communication I could get from you and you just ignored me. I should have been the one breaking up with you, but I thought you were such a catch, and I held on to the boy I fell in love with from the very beginning. I was just a prize to you. It was a challenge to get me, and once you did, it got boring to you. So, if you do think I'm a "hassle" or whatever the fuck, fuck you. Because I barely talked to you because I didn't want to bother you because you "had to study." I would put off problems I had in the relationship and save them for later because you thought it was "annoying" and you "didn't have time for it." Everything was for you. I was always thinking about you. Always. I seriously had unconditional love for you. How could you just abuse it? How could you just take advantage of someone like that? Especially after all that you have been through. It just amazes me. I am angry, hurt, sad, disappointed..too many feelings to count. This semester is going to be so difficult. I will find myself, and leave you one day eventually, for good. I just wish I was over you like now. Oh, and stop trying to protect me with lies, that never works out. You were the rudest asking to exchange shit and it hasn't even been a month. It's all about you. It's all about what you want. And if nothing goes your way, you just avoid it and say fuck it. Did you ever think that I probably was not emotionally stable to see you? You needed your damn dress clothes to go clubbing and that's why you hit me up. Don't lie to me and say your mom needed them. Who would even believe that excuse? Like who's mom....what.. I will make it out of this. I have to. I can't let you leave me broken. You don't deserve that power.
When people just try to find anything possible to use it against you or just to find shit about you because they feed off of gossip (and that shit might not even be true)..its annoying. Everyone has shit. Everyone. We all do shit. What's new? I'm not saying good or bad, but people make decisions. It's up to you to judge that person or not to. And those people, those people act like those decisions will define them for the rest of their lives. I just hate that about people. It could be any kind of decision. And that person decides to make an assumption of you that will define who you are. I know we are always constantly making observations and shit, but when it gets down to that point that a person is meticulously inspecting every single bit of your life.. is that person even living theirs properly? When people just want to find out shit about you cause it makes them feel better..I seriously don't get how, but really? You need to fuck with my life in order to enlighten yours? I guess. But I guess that makes me the winner in this situation. And I don't even want to be a winner or loser in this situation, just leave me the fuck alone.
I haven't come across a situation like this in a while, because well, I've chosen to limit the things I say to certain people. Now trust me, my life is fucking not exciting and gruesome as other people's are. Like drama and shit, but my life is average. I'm not saying my life sucks, but I'm not saying I'm a millionare on a yacht. But I'm content. You don't have to come around trying to fuck with it. I'm not going to let you. Silence is the bestest weapon of them all.
I haven't come across a situation like this in a while, because well, I've chosen to limit the things I say to certain people. Now trust me, my life is fucking not exciting and gruesome as other people's are. Like drama and shit, but my life is average. I'm not saying my life sucks, but I'm not saying I'm a millionare on a yacht. But I'm content. You don't have to come around trying to fuck with it. I'm not going to let you. Silence is the bestest weapon of them all.
Just had a flashback of a crush I had on someone "back in the day."
Undoubtedly the cutest boy in school (in my eyes) and I never thought I'd like him or have anything for him.
But that one year, that one year we got assigned to sit next to each other, and we became close and talked and laughed about everything. We liked each other, but of course never had the balls because we were premature. But he started to hang out with those guys..and you were still a guy.. and I didn't like the fact you turned into a regular douchebag, because I knew that wasn't you. Of course there was nothing to do left. I told you what you had become, but we all know that just makes people more defensive. I never really analyzed it like this until now, that that was the closest thing I had to love until Adrian. I'm glad it was you. I don't care how young we were, because there wasn't any sexual tension or anything like that because we were more interested in each other than our body parts. It's nice to think about those things. When things were simple. And the only care in the world I had, was for who you were. Good times :)
Undoubtedly the cutest boy in school (in my eyes) and I never thought I'd like him or have anything for him.
But that one year, that one year we got assigned to sit next to each other, and we became close and talked and laughed about everything. We liked each other, but of course never had the balls because we were premature. But he started to hang out with those guys..and you were still a guy.. and I didn't like the fact you turned into a regular douchebag, because I knew that wasn't you. Of course there was nothing to do left. I told you what you had become, but we all know that just makes people more defensive. I never really analyzed it like this until now, that that was the closest thing I had to love until Adrian. I'm glad it was you. I don't care how young we were, because there wasn't any sexual tension or anything like that because we were more interested in each other than our body parts. It's nice to think about those things. When things were simple. And the only care in the world I had, was for who you were. Good times :)
Sitting in this cubicle in the library makes you realize a lot of shit.
Maybe I really need to go after my dream of doing theater arts. I should just try. Can't hurt right? Til then... lessons, lessons, lessons..? Stop. Settling.
Maybe I really need to go after my dream of doing theater arts. I should just try. Can't hurt right? Til then... lessons, lessons, lessons..? Stop. Settling.
I can't keep doing this to myself anymore. I can't settle for bullshit ass grades when I know I can do better and I'm just being lazy. I have two more semesters to go. Get your shit straight Raisa. You got this.
The tumblr world got me caught up posting pictures and shit.
I missed my little blogger. Almost completely forgot about it. But anyway, I am slipping in school. I thought it was cause I was working too much. Well it was because I was working too much, and then I got that out of the way, and now it's cause I'm just wandering aimlessly. (That was the biggest run-on ever, who cares..anywayyyy..) Hm, I need to blog more on this baby. Not just when I'm all angry/sad and stuff.
Okay, okay, so since the last time I've blogged on here, which God knows when.... I still get worried about a bunch of things, but I've learned to let a lot of shit go. Which has led me to I guess you can say a chiller lifestyle. Minus my schooling, IDK what is happening with that. I'm aware I'm doing sub-par, I just can't push myself like I used to. I feel like even in high school I was a little more motivated than this crap. Slipping, as in just getting C's.. wtf man, I def can do better. I don't know what's wrong :\
I do feel like something is missing though. Emptiness. Like hole in my heart. Cheesy, whatever. In high school, I had show choir, drum corps, gdt.. and stuff. Things that really made my soul happy (despite team drama). Now I'm just a working machine and going to school. I need a musical outlet I guess you could say. Writing on a blog does help though. But yeah, just something. Idk, I'm trying to ball at the rec more often. I don't know why I didn't play the way I play now, in high school. -__- but I know basketball won't do it for me. Basketball was never my one true love. When I joined JV in high school and Drum Corps, I knew I would choose Drum Corps over basketball. That connection with music is so much more fulfilling, so much more gratifying, words can't really explain. And your own beats are out there for the whole city to see? Pretty cool. Idk, I'm not tryna reminisce on high school right now or anything, just making a comparison. What I'm trying to say is, I need something. I'm missing something.
I missed my little blogger. Almost completely forgot about it. But anyway, I am slipping in school. I thought it was cause I was working too much. Well it was because I was working too much, and then I got that out of the way, and now it's cause I'm just wandering aimlessly. (That was the biggest run-on ever, who cares..anywayyyy..) Hm, I need to blog more on this baby. Not just when I'm all angry/sad and stuff.
Okay, okay, so since the last time I've blogged on here, which God knows when.... I still get worried about a bunch of things, but I've learned to let a lot of shit go. Which has led me to I guess you can say a chiller lifestyle. Minus my schooling, IDK what is happening with that. I'm aware I'm doing sub-par, I just can't push myself like I used to. I feel like even in high school I was a little more motivated than this crap. Slipping, as in just getting C's.. wtf man, I def can do better. I don't know what's wrong :\
I do feel like something is missing though. Emptiness. Like hole in my heart. Cheesy, whatever. In high school, I had show choir, drum corps, gdt.. and stuff. Things that really made my soul happy (despite team drama). Now I'm just a working machine and going to school. I need a musical outlet I guess you could say. Writing on a blog does help though. But yeah, just something. Idk, I'm trying to ball at the rec more often. I don't know why I didn't play the way I play now, in high school. -__- but I know basketball won't do it for me. Basketball was never my one true love. When I joined JV in high school and Drum Corps, I knew I would choose Drum Corps over basketball. That connection with music is so much more fulfilling, so much more gratifying, words can't really explain. And your own beats are out there for the whole city to see? Pretty cool. Idk, I'm not tryna reminisce on high school right now or anything, just making a comparison. What I'm trying to say is, I need something. I'm missing something.
... the waking up is the hardest part.
the worst feeling in the world. you feel it in your heart...palpitating. you slowly take a breath trying to make it easier on yourself. it's no use. you take another, calm, cool, not so collected. you break. the first tear.. then you turn on itunes to play a soothing song. no use. you change it to "slow dancing in a burning room." a symphony of tears stream down your face and your back to that dark deep ditch, except it's under your covers.. your face planted in your pillow. your belly on your bed which is older than you.. then you curl into a ball, a safe small ball.. hoping nothing else will hurt you even more.
this a rap for the weary, a song for the weak
a rhyme scheme for those who feel unheard when they speak
all the memories made together, feel made out of dirt
from beginning to end it's who hurt who first
back and forth intolerance. hate and then you love again.
call yourself a fool cause you're swallowed up inside of him.
silly little girl, simple little girl. you want a love he's not giving you, you.
now you sick and tired of it,
wondering when you gonna quit.. now or never baby when you gonna choose, choose?
more to that..but too deep to pour out into the internet.
i just want peace.
the worst feeling in the world. you feel it in your heart...palpitating. you slowly take a breath trying to make it easier on yourself. it's no use. you take another, calm, cool, not so collected. you break. the first tear.. then you turn on itunes to play a soothing song. no use. you change it to "slow dancing in a burning room." a symphony of tears stream down your face and your back to that dark deep ditch, except it's under your covers.. your face planted in your pillow. your belly on your bed which is older than you.. then you curl into a ball, a safe small ball.. hoping nothing else will hurt you even more.
this a rap for the weary, a song for the weak
a rhyme scheme for those who feel unheard when they speak
all the memories made together, feel made out of dirt
from beginning to end it's who hurt who first
back and forth intolerance. hate and then you love again.
call yourself a fool cause you're swallowed up inside of him.
silly little girl, simple little girl. you want a love he's not giving you, you.
now you sick and tired of it,
wondering when you gonna quit.. now or never baby when you gonna choose, choose?
more to that..but too deep to pour out into the internet.
i just want peace.
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