decisions, decisions

this is a long ass post.
*varsitygold. i'm pretty excited for next year. getting dance captain was the biggest good surprise of my high school life. i really wanna get first place next year no lie. whether it be a disneyland competition or a tiny ass one in marin. we don't practice our asses off to get 2nd place. it's gonna be hella hard next year because half of the kids are gonna be freshmeat, but i know nathan and i will pull through. he's seriously been the one person i can talk to in show choir (that's my grade) about things. i'm so glad he's the other dance captain. i'm trying to get summer conditioning going but steven doesn't think it's worth it. i asked him 3 weeks ago for his opinion and he said he'd get back to me on it, and i haven't gotten a response. =| i'm gonna call him. if we wanna be serious next year, we gotta start now. and my seniors. UGH you're leaving! er, you already left, and i don't think it's proper to even call you seniors. carmen, elaine, keiah, izzy, crystal, eric, curtis, harrison, andrew. man it's gonna suck not having you guys around and to mess around with haha. oh fuck izzy. if you ever read this, i promise i won't let you down next year. next year i'm really gonna enforce discipline. although i messed around a lot last year, i gotta step it up as a senior cause we're the role models of the noobs and whatever. it's going to be a painful and fun ass year for show choir next year. BESTBELIEVE.

*sfenchantees/gdt/reddragons/alhsball/dance? oh boy. possibilities of quitting enchantees next year. it's like the toughest decision ever. ive been with those girls since 2002. yeah it's been hella long since i've been playing with you ladies. but is all the drama worth it? my mom's suffered enough and i really want to be on this team til senior year but everything's going crazy. show choir got really serious this year which means more performances and whatnot. ugh. and school was a bitch, chemistry oh my god. i don't think anyone knows what i go through in that class unless you've had ms landa. ms landa is like crazy ukranian woman. if you get 2 wrong on a test, you've got an F. it's hella hard. so i had to balance gdt/enchantees/showchoir/school. my advice is don't try it.
i just don't know anymore with enchantees, i really wanna stay cause i <3 my girls, but i mean i heard they're talking mess, so does that mean you guys don't want me anymore? say it to my face dude. ashley says me quitting is what coach wants so why should i let him win? it's kinda true but idk dude. i can't believe people were telling me to quit when it was really my fault with the decisions i made this year and you know next year i won't do the same stupid shit i did.
what i did find this year was a new family. my gdt girls. i hella hated it at first shit, i wanted to quit so bad. but something kept pulling me back, i knew how hard it was to change formations if a person left. i hated going to practices. honestly i still do hahaha cus it takes so much time! but i mean it's hella worth it in the end. you've got 20 sisters and an experience that will stay with you for a lifetime. and the day we had the enchantees team meeting it was also the day of hell night. i knew that after the meeting i could run to my gdt girls for support. seriously i showed up to cynthia's house that night in tears and i just sat oh hyzell and dee's sleeping bags just crying my eyes out and rambling about everything. what really got me was that all the girls were there around me and they were there for me. hahaha kristina tho! "WHO'S YOUR COACH WANT ME TO BEAT HIS ASS?!" lmao. i love you. i didn't think hell night would change my perspective on gdt but it really did. these girls are the friendliest people ever. i wasn't really that close to any of them in the beginning cause honestly, one person influenced me to do it, and she was never there. and it just made me hella pissed off how she didn't dedicate herself and i backed her up on everything.
but anyway, the rest of the girls wow like hella changed my life. and dude fcking vicajean, she's got some crazy ass ideas next year and it's making it so much harder for me to decide whether i wanna stay on the team or not.
can i afford to spend most of my time on this team? i mean one ro team is already intense enough. people that do two teams and don't have anything else to do are straight, but i mean those who have other things on their plate, it's soooo hard dude to balance everything.
what really sucked this year for gdt tho was that i never had time to perfect my placements and sharpness so i looked hella sloppy.
red dragons. idk me and eileen are thinking about joining. it's hard to imagine myself on another team except for enchantees. but if i want to play, this is an option. IDK. so many people are thinking about quitting, it's just UGHHH. i wish that everything was like how it was beginning of the season when everything was chill.
lincoln mustangs. do i want to wear a jersey that says that? hm. IF i make it. at first i really wanted to make varsity, but now it's an idk again. cause my gdt girls. and plus the lincoln bball girls are hella two faced from prior experiences on JV. it was just too much drama yet again. plus i lost my love of the game sophomore year and then i found it again this year, and now it's in an unknown position. but the lincoln girls were a part of this problem, trust.
and then this one thing i've been wanting to do since freshman year, dance. i've always wanted to take classes but i've never had the time, so say i dropped all of these things cept show choir and drum corps, i would have time to do this. idk man. ugh.

*drumcorps.what a trip. i'm staying on the team, but things aren't set in stone for me. everything's changed since awards night. i can't see it the same. i feel like the last 3 years have been a waste. all my dedication, all my hard work. this and show choir have been the two things i've been consistent with and it's just a slap in the face when something like that happens to you, especially if it's given to someone younger than you. it woulda made more sense if it was given to someone of my rank, but i guess not. it wouldve made more sense to me if it was that way. my passion for the team has definitely dropped. it's just not the same, and it won't be next year. i feel like i'm being selfish, but at the same time, this team has been the biggest part of my life. not even show choir dude, like it's the reason i stayed at lincoln and didn't transfer to wash. and the year i was looking forward to the most.. it's all gone. that's why it has this kind of effect on me. only time will tell what's going to happen with dc.

if you read all of that, you're a baller.